The Wild Vanguard
by Gayton is Closetdweller
Summary: Kartikeya makes a friend from beyond the stars.
1. Houser IDFK 9001, MD

Kartikeya slathered his metal fuckfist in the blood of the puny, pathetic human boy its titanic grip hath crushed while his father screamed for naught. Relishing the flavor of the child's ruined essence, Kartikeya punched the fuck out of his mother, sending her pitiful mortal jaw flying to the red moon, slicing it in half. He shoved his iron fist up her vagina and fired a lock-on death from within, obliterating the fuck out of her, the shrapnel slathering Kartikeya and his puny human nemesis. Greg drunk his wife's blood, filling him with unfettering rage. His fists caught fire and his eyes became explosions. Kartikeya laughed.

Kartikeya's laugh of maniacal cacophony summoned a meteoric swarm, which was the remnants of the once great Hyades. The meteors crushed the shit out of Greg, leaving in their wake a mere pile of ashes which smelled of blood explosions and ruined guts.

Kartikeya lept upon a passing Veruni ship and punched a gaping, fiery hole in it. He removed the pilot, who was a poet, and an investor well-versed in Filgaia's notably frail economy. He was once known as Gregory House, but since his home world was obliterated by Kartikeya's most explosive masturbation habits, he relocated to Filgaia and took on the Veruni alias Houser IDFK_9001. Houser and Kartikeya shared a lively and passionate dialogue about the wonders of prosthetics. Houser, whose prosthetic right leg was forged from the corpses of golems like Kartikeya's arm, kicked Ragu O Ragla's head off. Kartikeya summoned his peacock, flew to the Locus Solus, then punched a nuke through its skull, killing the fuck out of it. The Locus Solus' shrapnel killed the fuck out of the TF System, whose shrapnel killed the fuck out of Laila Belle. The TV Studio Employee survived, though. He went on to become Filgaia's first lawyer, and he would open a restaurant which served pieces of Hyades sauteed in Sol Niger blood. But it was still vegetarian.

Fereydoon shouted at Kartikeya and Houser, inviting them to dinner. It was quite a lavish feast, the exquisitely prepared dishes brimming with delectable aroma and flavor. Kartikeya laughed.

"I hate food! I want human!" he tore Lucille's ribcage out, devouring the massive splatter of viscera which ensued. He relished the succulent flavor of the half-Fereydoon fetus she had yet to discover she was carrying. Houser sampled her decimated liver, storing some of the oil in a vial for use as a trump card should the horses develop a taste for Veruni flesh. He pondered Kartikeya's psychological dysfunction.

Summoning his cane from the ruins of Hyades, Houser cracked Kartikeya across the helmet with such resounding force, the helmet shattered and the shockwave knocked him unconscious. He withdrew his marker and, using Kartikeya's arm as a whiteboard, worked out a possible diagnosis.

"Brain cancer could cause racist thoughts and psychosis."

"No moron, you're stupid. It's not brain cancer, it's braintermites."

"But braintermites don't exist."

"Moron, do you dare question me? Braintermites are an alien disease which clearly exist on this fucked up planet. Do an MRI."

Houser ate the voices in his head and regurgitated them into the form of an MRI machine. He tore Kartikeya's prosthetics right the fuck out so they would not explode in a flaming ball of death and agony from the machine's fagmagnets. The MRI revealed that Kartikeya did not have braintermites, but rather fuckatitis v, contracted when Volsung mauled the fuck out of him during his pitifully failed assault, causing him to experience his first wet dream involving the Ice Queen. It explained why his psyche took a turn for the worse afterward, but he had racist thoughts and was somewhat mad before that. Houser was so furious at having been only half-right, he set his hair on fire and bisected Filgaia with his cane. Houser ate Gounon and Twelbit, then sutured the hemispheres back together, curing Filgaia of its disease and allowing plant life to flourish once again. But fuckatitis v continued to ravage the Veruni.

Houser reinstalled Kartikeya's metal upgrades just in time for him to reawaken. They shared a delightfully misanthropic conversation, followed by a brofist of skin and steel. Houser thought of Hyades, a tear of nostalgia filling his bluishly blue eye. He popped a Vicodin, for his prosthesis was young and the amputation still smarted. Kartikeya laughed. 


	2. The Last Asperninja

Houser sharpened the end of his cane. He was going to kill the universe. Kartikeya objected with the fervor to shatter the Guardians' clavicles.

"If you kill the universe there will be no more humans to poop on!"

Houser laughed. "Humans can't be trusted. Turn your back on them for a second and it is they who shall defecate upon thy thoracic region."

The joke was on Houser, though, because Veruni don't poop, they only ejaculate. Kartikeya stole Houser's cane, laughing intensely as he polished it with his jockstrap. Lacking the manhood to wield that unholy superweapon, for it is the mummified penis of Ragu O Ragla, the cane imploded, creating a second universe which Houser and Kartikeya became trapped within. In the pocket universe, cashiers were wind mice turned yellow by the crying of the Guardians, and Sol Niger gonads were used as currency, with testes being worth 410 gella and ovaries 680 gella each. Gella was not money, but rather food consumed by the unworthy fucklings serving the Great Queen Anglemoist.

Out of the Queen's chambers sauntered Fairydoon, dressed in but a mere elbucky-print thong which was forged from lasers, and brandishing his ARM Gunstar Hero, an unsightly yet debilitatingly arousing hybrid of sword and dildo. It was a universe where all worshipped the Great Guardian Sega. Veruni have anuses, and are a race of fairies. Unable to handle the faggotry, Kartikeya killed Fairydoon. Queen Anglemoist objected because he was her husband, and Kartikeya was being a right-wing stereotypist. Kartikeya laughed, then warped out of the dimension with Houser for a bromantic coffee date at the last Starbucks, salvaged and refurbished from the rubble of Hyades and towed by the might of fifty thousand Veruni spacecraft to sate the Filgaians' newfound craving for the steaming alien bean juice. It was run by Monsieur du Blonde, the last of the Hyadans barring Houser.

Fereydoon punched a rift in the sub-dimension, his hopes in reviving his lost race soaring to infinity and beyond. Fereydoon is not actually a Veruni; he is the last of his race, the once mighty asperninjas. He soaked the soil of the Sega world with his nostalgic tears, reflecting on an era when the jungles of prehistoric Filgaia were teeming with passive aggressive warriors of virtue and shadow. It was a better time, a time when crunching food in public led to immediate execution, and businesses were run by the truest of crasftsmen and craftswomen, the savants. But their natural enemies, the plains-dwelling samurautists, analyzed their flawlessly executed arboreal architecture to a fault, scouting out the sole weakness. The samurautists, jealous of the asperninjas' superior functionality, ravaged their civilizations, leaving but a single asperninja behind. He spun a vine cocoon and entered coldsleep, a survival tactic unique among his clan. For 50 million years he slumbered until he could wake and camouflage himself among the Veruni. Modern Filgaian races are all descendants of the samurautists, except for Fereydoon. It is for this very reason that he took so well to Volsung, for he feels an empathic connection, a kindred souls bond, in being a unique pariah among a world dominated by racists.

Fereydoon questioned what life on Hyades was like prior to the xenocide of the metal demons, heralding the birth of Ragu O Ragla to a human mother and a father comprised of dragon oil and fuck. Kartikeya laughed. 


	3. Frostbite

Having found no way to recussitate his fallen people, Fereydoon left the pocket dimension, killing the fuck out of it with the Gunstar Hero ARM he stole from Fairydoon. Fereydoon turned on Kartikeya, the epitome of samurautist evolution, attempting to kill him. He failed miserably, and was torn asunder by the sacred dickfire of Kartikeya's middle finger. Slathering himself in the blood of the last asperninja, Kartikeya killed the fuck out of Volsung with Fereydoon's asperspleen. Fereydoon was not actually the last asperninja, though, for there is one survivor, a descendant, he left behind. Fereydoon had actually awoken not once from his coldsleep, but twice; the first time was around 12,000 years ago. At that time he fathered a most beautiful daughter with a particularly open-minded samurautist. This halfbreed became a psycho bitch known as the Ice Queen. She lives on as Avril Vent Fleur, the daughter of the last pedigree asperninja, the last remnant of her kind, even if only half-assed.

Kartikeya decided he would be the vanguard of the New Filgaian Order. But first, he had to become a homosexual. Using the computer in his left arm, he searched for gay porn. Unable to get a boner, he became furious at his inability to become the world's first homosexual and batshit mad leader. He was so furious, he ripped his dick off and drew a ley point with it. It was a new type of HEX, the cockblood HEX. Stepping into a cockblood HEX will turn any male samurautist homosexual immediately. But it still didn't work, and his penis regenerated. Kartikeya laughed. His laugh was not one of sick pleasure, but rather of sick desperation; he set out to have a sex change operation. On his way to Laila Belle to have his dick cut off for good, he bumped into Avril, who did not help the situation. He was so frustrated with who he was, yet his dick was so hard, he ate his helmet and set his jockstrap on fire. Avril laughed.

"Where is da salsa factory, booooiiiiii?" her voice was the voice of a horse composed of yttrium and laser eye surgery.

He grinned a fangy grin. "It's right up here." He pointed up his dickhole. His dick was exposed because he was naked.

"Alrighty booooiiii, you asked for it~"

The sex which followed was so brutal, it bisected Filgaia; Filgaia A, of the western hemisphere, careened into the Milky Way Galaxy where it merged with the crumbs of Hyades, forming Hyades II. Filgaia B regenerated the half which was blown off, except the new western hemisphere of Filgaia was made of poisoned razorblades and its flora were made of feathered matchheads and sublimating condoms. The western hemisphere also had no government. Kartikeya got an idea. A wonderful, evil idea. He laughed.

Tearing off Avril's left arm, Kartikeya dusted off a golem which had been exposed by the cataclysm, and writ upon the golem, in Ice Queen blood, the New Filgaian Order:

1. All hawks wear pants.

2. Humans shall be sent to Hyades II where they shall be used as beasts of burden and food. If any human shall dare act as if it is a form of samurautist life, it shall deftly be slapped with a dragon dildo crafted from the foulest of rusty golem cocks.

3. No attempts at necromancing Faggydoon shall be made. Do I make myself clear?

4. Water is illegal. All shall drink Johnny Appleseed and human blood. Humans shall drink their own urine.

5. If Persephone challenges you to a poker tournament, she's too fat.

6. If thou calleth my legs "shoes", don't.

7. My chin is a shark. Worship it.

8. My hair is not flammable, but my helmet is food. Should a loyal follower find his or herself in desperate need of sustenance, a piece of my helmet welcomes you.

9. I hate the number 9 for it reminds me of that fairy asperninja faglord. It is banned from here on out.

10. There is no number 10 for there is no unspeakable number which proceeds it. After 8, there are only types of Hyadan monsters. The new number system is as follows:  
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, mosquito, cockroach, hyena, and so on and so forth, until you reach hawk x fish, which equals elephant. Elephant is the square root of infinity.

Kartikeya reattached Avril's arm and they got busy again. They did not split Filgaia in half this time but they did kill all life within a 50 mile radius, except for Houser, who witnessed it all. Kartikeya laughed.


	4. Housegaia

Houser conjured a new cane with a portion of the nanomachines which comprised his being. Houser had not actually survived the destruction of Hyades; his consciousness binded to experimental nanomachines he built out of Vicodin and crickets. They were banned from public sale because their capabilities of granting eternal life were deemed too great for mere shitlings to handle.

Sick of being a fucking fly, Houser rearranged his nanomachine structure into the form of a gatling railgun. he was going to fucking kill Filgaia; no, he was going to kill the universe!

Like hell Kartikeya was going to give up his sovereingty to a fucking alien Wild ARM. His eyes exploded and were replaced with magma as he and Avril teamed up to save their world from the bitchy Vicodin withdrawals of Houser.

Avril whipped out her Absolute Zero, firing from it unimaginably spicy salsa up Houser's barrels, wreaking unbelievable agony since his barrels were mucus membranes. He popped six Vicodin into each barrel, then resumed charging his ultima fuckbeam.

Kartikeya strapped Avril in with his jockstrap, then throttled into space with the rocket boosters hidden inside his legs, which were not prosthetics but forged from the corpse of Starscream. He heaved a half of the red moon at Houser, who dodged it but was hit by a smaller rock which flew off of it. Frustrated, he aimed his half-charged ultima fuckbeam, a penultima foreplaybeam, at the duo. Avril took the full shock of the blast, killing her instantly, but Kartikeya survived. Kartikeya charged in and punched a nuke up each of Houser's barrels, then rocketed away like a thousand faggoty deaths at the rusted penes of ill-maintained dragons. Houser was blown to microscopic bits, but those units were still whole nanomachines. He was alive.

Houser had enough of this fucking bullshit. He possessed the shit out of Filgaia, becoming Gaiamon, then split it in half once again, to use the hemispheres as jaws for killing the fuck out of Kartikeya. Kartikeya tossed Avril's Absolute Zero into Gaiamon's maw, landing a direct hit on the core. The spiciness of the salsa and the superheated core reacted so violently, the universe was indeed destroyed from the explosion. But in the loss of what once was, something new and far more wonderful was birthed. The cataclysmic clash of old friends forged a new universe, a universe in which Avril was no longer trapped in a time loop and born into the modern age, a proud member of the samurautist master race. Best of all, Avril was her vicious, bitchy Ice Queen self, the kind Kartikeya fell for in the first place. The two hit it off like an un-neutered dog and a sock monkey slathered in bitch piss. Their offspring, mysteriously enough, were nothing like either of their parents. In this timeline, Kartikeya was not actually a full-blooded samurautist; he carried diluted asperninja genes, and through a stroke of luck as it were, their children inherited a full asperninja genome, allowing the species to propagate once again. Fereydoon shed a golden tear. Kartikeya took pride in his newfound heritage, his racism dissipating to a universe where shitlings pray for soap but soap never arrives.

Hyades was no longer a giant pile of spacedust, because Kartikeya no longer had need to fap. Dr. House's nanomachine invention earned him countless awards, and made him the richest, most celebrated man in the universe. His technology was shared by samurautists and asperninjas across the vast celestial seas. It cured fuckatitis V as well as Filgaia's sickness. Lush green vegetation returned to the wasteland planet. The nanomachines also went above and beyond the call of duty, repairing even the toughest of problems, not least of which the brain structures of the ASGX Royal Family. They shifted their ruling style from frosty iron fist to a most elegantly executed governmental system which globally united all of Filgaia's people. It even allowed interstellar trading with the people of Hyades. Their children would become the vanguards of Hyadan exopolitics. It was perfect. Everything. Too perfect. kartikeya pinched himself, so hard he tore a piece of his flesh out. The pain was so great his testicles exploded into a flurry of fuckfire, yet he did not wake, meaning this was for real. All of it.

Kartikeya laughed.


End file.
